The Baby Blues Venting

I was totally meaning to write this post just after Griffin was born - in my super emotional stage - but maybe it's best that I didn't and am forgetting all the "horrible" feelings I had.

I felt great the instant I delivered Griffin. Things went smooth and I felt like a champ, other than my numb legs :) I did make sure that Clay stayed the night with me while Carol was at home with Kort. Other than that, I didn't feel a whole lot of postpartum emotional stuff. Once the weekend was over and Clay had to go back to work, things really hit home. 

That whole first week I was trying to get nursing down. Griffin would get so worked up when he couldn't latch on, even if I tried before he was really hungry. I was beginning to think I wouldn't be able to nurse him. I was torn. I knew I wanted to nurse because obviously it's free and healthier for him and helps me out physically as well. But on the other hand, if it was going to continue with him getting worked up trying to latch on every time to nurse, I might as well continue bottle feeding him - which we were giving him formula at the time since none of my milk had even come in either. I didn't want to bottle feed and pump because frankly I couldn't pump, take care of Kort and Griffin and then feed and also I had a crappy pump that wouldn't do all that fast enough. I was so tempted to give up and just formula feed him. 

Clay went out of town Tuesday until Wednesday night. That was a killer. I was so thankful that Carol was there to help out, but it just didn't cut it - I needed Clay to help me get through this. But once again, there's only 24 hours in a day and time did not stand still - thank goodness! That Wednesday, I was pretty much ready to give up trying to nurse. I had been trying to use the nipple shield as well and reading up on my nursing book also making sure I was doing as much as I could to get it to work. Well, Griffin decided to nurse with the shield once that day and from then on, things continued to get better. Dangit - guess I really did have to end up nursing ;) ha ha So the rest of that week I kept working on getting Griffin to nurse and latch on correctly. 

The next week was spent trying to adapt to life with two kids. Carol had one more week here so I still took advantage of her helping out with Kort. She would keep him entertained while I put Griffin to sleep and caught up on mine as well. I eventually would try to do every day tasks on my own while she stood aside, just so I could somewhat get a routine back on track. I definitely needed her there that week. It was super hard to see her leave. She was flying out of Wichita Sunday afternoon and she was so kind to let us drop her off even a little earlier at the airport so I could go with them and get home earlier at a decent time. There was no way I was ready to be on my own that afternoon/night if I didn't have to. Luckily Griffin fed and was awake then napped the whole way there and back. Phew! 

My first week alone I don't even know how I survived. The Relief Society brought a few meals that week and I had made freezer meals previously so we were set there. Griffin wasn't napping in his crib or frankly anywhere but someone's arms so most of his naps I would have to hold him while he napped. This made my days absolutely crazy having to deal with Kort as well. I couldn't give him attention or play with him and had to constantly make sure things were out of his reach so he wouldn't make a mess or get into things. Clay would come home every night and do the dishes, clean the house, do the laundry . . . he was my super hero. I was kind of the same way I was when I had Kort, with the clinginess and attachment to Clay as soon as he came home, but not to the point where I would follow him around attached to his side. As soon as he walked through that door, it was an instant sigh of relief knowing that everything would be better the rest of the night.

6 weeks later and I'm still getting over this anxiety and tenseness and hasn't been quite the I'm-in-absolute-love stage with this newborn baby. I do feel anxiety when I have to take care of Griffin and Clay is playing with Kort because Kort is still my baby and I miss him when he's not around. That's how I would feel when I had to take Griffin to his appointments. It felt so weird not having him in the car, even if he was whining or throwing his food on the floor. I missed that kid. I feel bad that I can't give him all the attention that he needs right now. I'm doing better with that however during Griffin's naps. Kort does seem to be acting out a little more or just in his terrible twos so he's been going into time out more often. Soon though hopefully I will be back to my normal self and we'll be in a good routine.

I can see why people have more than one child. You do tend to forget all the yucky and bad things about pregnancy/delivery. However, I absolutely hated the first and part of the second trimester being nauseous 24/7 and tired all the time. I know I did, but right now it doesn't seem like it was that bad. Delivery - really it wasn't all the bad, but the contractions without the epidural . . . AHHH! It was the worst. But obviously I've forgotten about it. Recovery has definitely been better than it was with Kort. I remember sitting on ice packs for a couple weeks and it hurt to sit on my butt. With Griffin, I only tore a little, seeing how he was smaller than Kort, and the bleeding ended at about three weeks after and I was cleared by my doctor at four weeks for everything. Those first few weeks with a newborn and crazy hormones and lack of sleep - I seriously HATED parts of my life. I am done having kids. I'm still in that mind frame. But those weeks were horrible for me. I threw fits (not as bad as I did when I had Kort) and wanted to throw and break things. Heck, I still feel that way sometimes. I can see how people get frustrated and end up hurting their baby. I have to try really hard to be patient and when I do lose my temper, I have to set Griffin down and leave the room. I will just go to Kort and bawl and hug him really tight. I hate the unexpected. I hate change. You'd think with so many moves we've had that I'd be a pro with change, but having a baby is the biggest change and stressor. I was so content with how things were going with Kort and our daily routine. If he was cranky, we'd get out of the house. We could leave anytime. Clay and I could just take him and go to dinner or whatever we wanted. Now everything is centered around Griffin. I'm not saying I regret having another child or anything - definitely not, but that's what I hate about change and I'm super uncomfortable with it. I'm also super socially awkward right now. I feel weird when I talk to people or around them, yet I have to be or I'm going to go crazy. Anyway, this has definitely been my venting writing post-baby. Maybe it will help me in times of need if we ever do have another baby in the future. I kept looking back at what I wrote about Kort and thought I wrote a lot but nope and I wish I had so here's to lots of detailed posts that one day will go in a book :)